Musings in general

Well, it's that time again...bedtime but I'm not sleepy and naturally tomorrow I need to be up and going early.

I can see why "they" say depression is bad at this time of year. There is so much I want to get as gifts for my family and cannot afford to get them. I know they don't care, it's just me. My depression is not getting any better this month. See the MD tomorrow, maybe some miracle will happen (hahaha) :(

Can't really think of anything new this week. Just SOS different day! Maybe next posting will be better.

Our closing thoughts for the day are from American Writer and Novelist..William Styron:

mysteriously and in ways that are
totally remote from natural experiences,
the gray drizzle of horror induced by
depression takes on the quality of
physical pain

Peace...stay safe

Medicated Dreams

Well friends, just ignore all the previous posting. I'll blame it on being medicated for the flu! Life Sucks!

Dreams

"I had something to dream last night"....(The Electric Prunes, circa 196?..no really that was the name of the song and the group!)

Last night I had a dream...one of those that seem to go on and on and when you wake you awake in tears because it was such a happy dream. I'm sure you've all had them.

I have always had a "love" for "big" guys. Men who can be gentle,strong and yet when needs be can "handle" the situation. Amazingly, at least to me as I thought about it, most are usually cowboys! John Wayne (only as a cowboy figure and in his earlier days) is one Also Tom Selleck (as a cowboy). Another is one that I don't know how many of you (under 40-45) remember the show Bonanza, was Dan Blocker who played Hoss. Exactly the kind of man described above. Even though I was a "pre-teen" I was in "love" with him. I remember when he died and then they had to let him die on the show, I cried and cried...still cry as I think about it. I felt my world had ended. All this leads up to the dream.

I dreamed that I was a beautiful woman (as if!) and was on a trip of some kind and somehow got involved with Dan Blocker (you should know that I have never had a dream about him before) on this trip. No erotic scenes...just holding,comforting and a couple of kisses. I have no idea what brought on this dream as is true of most of my dreams. But it was a happy dream with the results upon waking as described above.

Maybe I am missing that comfort from my life. I am without a man in my life (as the one I have is in AZ and perfectly happy to be there) and perhaps that is what I am missing...someone to sit on the couch and hold me while we watch a movie. Someone to softly kiss me just to let me know he cares. I continue to tell my husband that I love him as if I stopped the guilt would be poured on. (It has already started because I won't go out to visit him) he chooses to believe that I am just not going because I don't love him anymore. Perhaps he is right. I probably married him out of gratitude that anyone could love me and I think gratitude is all that is left.
(I hope I'm not embarrassing anyone by these revelations.) I have always denied that I will ever be involved with another man...maybe my dreams are trying to tell me something. Something to ponder. For our quote of the night...a poem by this author.

dreams are lies...
they pretend to hold hope..
in the belief that they can
become reality
withing my live
have been many
dreams....wishes
pretence that led me to believe they were
to become true
they are all false...
dissolving like acid
turning them to vile reality
destroying well worn dreams...
no more hopes or dreams shall I
create
black cloaked reality is all
that awaits me
no hopes..no dreams...
no wishes...
only the bleak future
leading to deeper depression
with no end in sight

Peace...Stay Safe

Post Turkey Blues

Hello all my friends...if there are any out there? Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone. Next up Christmas...coming fast! Good and bad days of thanksgiving. Missed celebrating with my son and family cause I thought I was coming down with the flu and didn't want to spread it around. Had a good day celebrating with others of my family. Remembering old times and telling stories on one another.

I am going through some dark days though. I have not been able to get in touch with my best friend and that has me worried. Hope all is OK with her and her family.

Missed seeing my granddaughters..don't see them very often and they forget who i am!

Well, that's all the "good news" (haha) for now. Quote for the Day..or Week.....
By American Writer and Novelist....William Styron...

mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from natural experiences, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain.

How true. Peace...Stay Safe

The dark fog of depression

"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would be not one cheerful face on earth. Whether I shall ever be better,I cannot tell. I awfully forebode shall not. To remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better it appears to me" Abraham Lincoln

Bitten By The Past

This week while I was working at the library I found the graduation class of 1967's pictures on the library wall. Looking at them brought back a lot of feelings. When I saw Bob's picture my heart jumped because at that time I was thinking,"this is the boy I married". Not the one that told me he didn't love me. Not the one who I divorced. This is the boy that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I saw the face of a boy who gave up his late teen years to start a family and who missed out on much that he maybe shouldn't have missed. I still think he was the best looking guy and now I am starting to cry. Crying for our lost childhoods, our divorce, and so much more.I think that's all I'm going to write tonight. ...Peace....Stay Safe

Surviving the Past

Well it seems like forever since I have written anything here and what do you know it has been forever!
The first thing is ...congrats to my daughter who competed in the World Championship Ironman competition in Kona, HI. She did great and we are all proud of her. She can do everything!
I have been looking back on my past. I tend to do that a lot even though I know I shouldn't .Doing this I can see a thousand things I wish I had done differently. Regardless they are done and gone. Now I can only try to survive each day and try to do better for myself. Not to please others. It's hard to speak up for myself anyway and I suppose I will be that way all the rest of my life. I'm a person who doesn't want to rock the boat. I'd rather shut up and let things go by without expressing my feelings; then take a chance I will alienate anyone or hurt their feelings. I have to especially be careful of my mother. Don't get me wrong, she is the greatest mom a girl could have but; times when I have tried to stand up I felt her reception of my position was icy. She can cut without even realizing she has done it. I feel that I can't really express my feelings since she and my sister are basically supporting me. I can never repay them for that. It's pretty sad...a 58 year old woman being supported by her parents and sister.
My emotions are still all over the place. Even though I'm on enough medicines to put a horse into a coma, I still cry at the drop of a hat.
Well, no quote this entry so....peace..be safe....moonmaiden........Oh yeah, Happy Halloween!

Did you ever feel like it's only raining on your head? I posted (or thought I did) last night and now I see nothing is there! I am really tired of this. Mainly because it takes me some time to work up to expressing my feelings on this blog. So, since I can't remember what I wrote last night, this will be my blog for tonight.
Long quote from Elizabeth Wurtzel on depression:

I start to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don't know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy and the need to put on a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on. I don't know the answer. I know only that I can't, I don't want to anymore vicissitudes. I don't want any more of try,try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.

I am a little (?) older the author but I understand her pain and am feeling much the same most days.

Until next time...Peace...Stay safe

Frightening Futures

What a crazy world we live in. So many tv pundits screaming "the sky is falling! The sky is falling" Well chicken little, what the h e double hockeysticks are we suppose to do about it? We elect people who promise to make a difference and end up with the same old s**t! Stealing from Peter to pay Paul. Yes we should have a better health care system but the government should not handle it. Everyone of them is out for their own selves. And how about they get the same level of care that each and everyone of us is getting!! And why when they retire we have to PAY them golden parachutes for their service? This country is reaching some scary conclusions about several items.
Enough of my venting. I'll promise to write more sooner than later from now on.

No quotes for this episode. Peace to you all

Well, I just bitched to my son asking him to update his blog and I realized that my update was well overdo. Nothing major has been occuring. I have been thinking...since Bob's death, I have been rewriting history. If he still was alive, I think we would be in the same old place. I guess romance is not finished with me if I can feel that way about my first love. Let's see if there are anymore revelations recently....I am still tied to Joe with his daily phone calls. We only speak for a minute or two and the conversation is usually about his health. Sometimes I ask/beg for some money. I am thankful to God(ess) for my family. Even though I feel I am a burden on them. It's kind of s****y to have to ask for money for Dentists....extra doctor bills...car repairs...vet bills...etc.Well you get the drift.Haven't really done much this month. My granddaughters came up to the town's celebration. They gathered in mucho candy and the older one expressed a desire to come again next year.I have been so tired lately. I'm getting B12 shots to gain more energy (supposed to anyway). But I have seen no bump of energy yet. I guess I can always hope though. I am still frustrated by my memory loss. It doesn't help to get that way though since there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Well, lets see who gets credit for the quote of the night.....American Writer and Novelist....William Styron....

Mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from natural experiences, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain.

Peace...Moonmaiden

Remember when

I'll try again to get something on the blog site. I am done with romance. I tried it 2 times and neither of them have turned out "wonderfully". Bob was the first and I had hoped the last but he had different thoughts about it. I am still trying with Joe but the harder he pulls me apart, the harder I pull away. I can't even read romance novels anymore. I get sick to my stomach watching romance movies. I'm sorry if I offend anyone by these statements...remember that this applies to my own life. If your romance is working out...
God bless you!

I am having a lot more problems with my memory. I can read half of a book and go back the next day and not remember what I read! It's not too wonderful when you are talking with someone about something that I had told them about last week.

Well, another week threatens. Hope yours is lots better than mine.

Peace to all. Moonmaiden51

Just Great!!!!!Just as I was getting ready to publish my blog...my autosave failed!!!!!!!!!Well for this week it's just these few words....aren't computers wonderful!!!!

Peace to All. Moonmaiden

The saga continues....

I didn't realize it had been so long since I have posted! Likely it would not have made any difference. Things in my life are static and I have come to the conclusion that this is how they will stay. I cannot change what my family is (are?) thinking and so I cannot change the way I am and how I relate to them. My life is a spiral....coiling around itself and never ending.

I have decided that I am not going to bore you with the "rest of the story" of a life. I am just going to give you the information that is current. I'm tired of forcing myself to look back over a life filled with failures. I feel them today just as much as the past so out with the old story and in with the new.

Quote for today: by Charles Baudelaire

How little remains of the man (woman) I once was, save the memory of him!

But remembering is only a new form of suffering.

Peace...Moonmaiden51

The unseen thoughts under the masque

Well people I'm back. Not for long though. Last couple of weeks have been really hard for some unknown reason. Probably me meds are losing strength as they have been before. I see my psychiatrist this week so hopefully (i don't have much!) the meds will get rearranged or whatever. They always want to know how many times I have cut since I was last there (2) and what caused them. I only know that at the end of the day, i am filled with frustration and anger at myself that if i don't cut, i may as well go for a long ride on a slow ice flow.

To explain the above: when the Eskimo's get ready to die, they go to the sea and sit on an ice berg or ice flow and just float away.

Then they ask if i still of suicide...yes, i think about it but would not perform this act. I have plenty of pills that could take me to other side. But i am undecided whether there really is anything on the otherside. I told my family that i want a Viking Funeral. It would be really cool but pretty much impossible with all the epa laws today (as if!).

I'll try next posting (hopefully not taking as long time wise) to continue the story of my life.

In the meantime....here is a thought on depression by Alice Meynell(?)

Recurrence is sure

What the mind suffered

last week

or last year...

it does not suffer now:

but it will suffer again

next week or next year

Happiness not

a matter of weeks;

it depends upon

the tides of the mind

Peace....Moonmaiden

Has anyone else had a day like today?!!! Over the past 4 years of my brothers death, i have gained mucho pounds(i don't even look at a scale anymore.). For the 4 years before that,I had finally lost the weight I had been carrying around for the previous 30 years. I maintained that weight loss by walking 1-2 miles a day and eating only a bowl of cereal a day. I was pretty proud of myself at that time. Now I don't even want to go out of the house because of how I

look. I am giving all the great jogging suits to my sister and I'll hate to see them go but you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Right now I feel like really rotten.

Peace.

Eclipsed again

Hello out there friends and neighbors! I consider you as friends and neighbors if you haved managed to read this blog without falling asleep or to have read it and at one time or another felt the feelings I describe. I certainly hope you are not feeling as bad as I am/was.

It has been a tough road since the last time I have written "the story of my life". I have had some days when it was the peak of the day if I just got out of bed and dressed. I am trying to assign myself a task everyday and to fulfill the task. Let's just say that this is an area I am going to have to work on.

Feeling "down" is a judgement call, I believe. Some people can push past the feelings of sadness, fatigue,pain and the urge to say farewell to this life. Everyday I feel everyone of those feelings and battle to get past them. Sometimes I manage to , not to overcome but; just to "BE".

There is a saying I heard recently (i don't remember most of it) however; there are three questions you are asked before you get past the pearly gates. I don't remember the first 2 but the 3rd question is......have you experienced "JOY" in your life? It's been so long that I have felt anything of my life to feel joyous about. I'm not talking about how my family make me feel joyous...Parents, Sister, Children and Grandchildren.....nor my extended family, all of whom I love dearly. Just how happy I am not and how I really don't know what my future will be.

I am married to a man who chose to live several states away from me....he is monetarily lots better off than I am and who at first stated he would be sending me some money every month and has not been doing that. I think he resents how close my family ties are. He and his children and his sisters don't have that kind of a relationship. He feels that life has been unlucky and feels that everyone in his life is ignoring him. He told me that he has money in the bank but "what if something should happen to me? What would I do if I didn't that cash cushion".

I'd like to have a cash cushion!!!!! I try to never ask him for some money because first of all I have to go through all the same old s**t about his money situation. Secondly, I feel like I am "begging" him to help me. It makes me feel almost ashamed to be asking. I went through a time when I first moved here that I was short of money and just used my credit cards to pick of the slack. That was when Joe was still sending me some cash. I haven't used any of my cards in more than a year and I'm still having money problems. I have realized that I can manage my money and pay my bills if I just watch how I spend it. Sometimes I have $5 or less in my account at the end of the month though. It's tough sometimes and makes me feel that I still am a failure.

I realize that I haven't picked up the "story of my life" tag but; sometimes you just have to go with the flow about how you are feeling at the time. Maybe next time I'll get back to that failure. In the meantime a quote by the famous author Keats:

I am in that temper....that if I were underwater.....I would scarcely kick to come to the top.

Peace to all of you. Love from Moonmaiden.

P.S. If in fact you are wondering how I was comparing my life with an eclipse....I am in the dark without the light again.

Back to those thrilling days of yesteryear...After all these yearsI have just realized that even all he put me and my family through, my ex-husband was the love of my life. My present husband (Joe) is always telling me....You will never find a man who loves me more than he does. He also says that I don't love him as much as he loves me. I guess that's true. That's why I have had enough of men.

We had lived in AZ about 3 years when I met Joe. I was going to nursing school to become an RN. When I met Joe my life turned another corner (maybe not for the best). Three months after I met him, I moved in with him. This is another time that I failed my children. I took them out of their known element (as if the move from IL to AZ wasn't enough!) and placed them into an unknown situation. It was the worst for Rob. He just couldn't adjust at all. Joe gave me an ulimatum....either he goes or you'll have to leave.

This after I had given up my apartment and sold all my furniture! I was so torn...Yet again my life was ruled by a man. Again I was sure if I didn't stay no one else would want me. So Rob went to live back in IL with his father. It was not a good situation I put him through. I know it was hard on Rob. I felt so much guilt. I was afraid Rob would hate me forever. I know Kris was really upset and mad at me for doing that; but, she didn't say anything or show it in any way. My Mother was so upset that any phone calls between us were short and seldom. I still regret doing that to Rob and Kris to this day. I should have stood up for all of us. After all this Joe convinced me to drop out of nursing school.....I was too sensitive and didn't need all that stress..

I realize now that it was the same old thing of letting someone else command how I lived my life! Enough self-realization for this entry.

Depression quote for the week: In a real dark night of the soul.....it is always 3 o'clock in the morning....day after day..........F. Scott Fitzgerald

Stay tuned for the exciting? episode. Peace

Ramblings and Meanderings Through The Past

Welcome Back Constant Reader (if you are there!) Welcome to the past...
when I stole cigarettes out of my Mom's purse and went out behind the barn smoking away......skipping school to be with my boyfriend..my first love, Bob.
Yes I know, if you have been keeping along with the story of my life....for a long time, I thought I hated him. They (whoever 'they' are) say you never forget your first love. Since starting this blog, I have come to some truths about my life.
I could never really 'Hate' Bob. I hate some things he did to our family but;
he gave me two of the greatest kids I could've asked for. There has been scientific studies about the importance of 'phermones' in peoples lives. I don't know if you will understand this but: I can still recall how Bob SMELLED.I know that sounds weird and maybe creepy but whatever it was it was one thing I kept of his. I have been pretty down the last month. Don't know what is bothering me...maybe because my late brother's birthday is coming up. I still miss him everyday. That's all I can say at this time...tune in for the next exciting episode!

As I read through my entry of last week, I realize that I must clear up any misunderstandings regarding my parents and family. What I write is MY reality of a situation not anyone elses.

My family has been nothing short of encouraging during all my problems.

During my first marriage (to Bob) my family and especially my parents were my rock of salvation. As far as I was concerned we had a fairly happy life. Bob had a good job, I was raising our children and trying to get a horse breeding/showing business started. He seemed as if he was as interested in the horse business as I was. As our marriage dragged along,however; he seemed to change little by little.

The s**t hit the fan Christmas time 1976. We had hosted a party for our close neighbors and I thought it went quite well and was feeling happy. The next morining (about 2 weeks before Christmas) I sat down with him, just to talk with him...you know? The next thing he's telling me that he doesn't love me anymore. I couldn't believe it...how could I miss or were there any signs!

The kids were at my parents house and as I drove over there (at a high rate of speed) I thought how easy it would be to just let go of the wheel. This was the first time I thought of suicide.

My kids saved me that day. The idea of having no mother for them changed my mind.

Bob started coming home later and later. Sometimes he didn't come home at all. I learned that he was going to strip clubs with his friends from work. I guess at this point I should tell you,

constant reader (thanks Stephen King for that title) I was doing everything to hang on to my marriage...and I do mean EVERYTHING! Bob started running around with other women...

girls really, just a couple years out of high school. In our small town gossip travels fast. He stopped putting money into our checking account...I couldn't pay the bills. When we needed fuel for our furnace I would have to hide when the man came to the door for payment. Bob bought himself a new car and I was left with our old truck that ran...or not. Eventually the truck stopped running. At that point my parents had to bail me out yet again and get me a car. They also paid my bills.

I ended up filing for a divorce. Bob wouldn't leave the house. One Sunday, while he was playing basketball with some guys, I took all his clothes and other belongings and put them into the back seat of his car. He Still came to the house. It was not until my lawyer filed papers and Bob was served them by the Sheriff did he finally leave. I still remember hiding up in the upstairs bedroom with the kids, as he was served. I learned later that he lived out of his car for a while.

I tried to make the divorce as civil as possible. I explained to the kids what was going on.

I gave Bob pots and pans and other stuff for his apartment. But I was the one that had to tell HIS parents about the divorce since he didn't do it. Talk about a chicken s***t guy.

Well, better close for now. Let my fingers take a rest. Peace to all my readers. Moonmaiden

The Story of a Life Chapter 1

I have always felt that I must live my life to others expectations. When I was a child I was expected to...go to school and get good grades...do my chores...and especially control my temper.

I always behaved the way my playmates expected me to. I wanted to be accepted by the smarter,best girls in my class. However; because I was fat, I always got picked last at recess. My classmates teased me about my weight...fatty,fatty,2by4,couldn't get through the schoolroom door. This continued throughout grade school. I was attempting to be someone I was not. My mother was trying to help me lose weight as best as she could. I started with diet pills

(greenies). Then I had to drink a diet drink at suppertime (metracal....tasted like chalk and worse. The bad thing was not really having to drink this junk...it was that I had to drink it in another room while my family ate dinner in the kitchen.

In high school it seemed easier to be accepted by friends. Doing whatever they did...it often did not work out though. I tried out for cheer leading...made a fool of myself...everyone laughed at me. I hurt inside but was putting on a face that said I didn't care. I played at being the "wild child" wearing mini skirts and go-go boots before anyone else did.

Pretending I didn't care if I had a boyfriend...asking boys who were friends of mine to dances because no one else asked me. Then when I did get a boyfriend, pushing myself to do anything and everything to keep that relationship going. Death fully afraid I'd end up alone again. I think it was at this time I gave up trying to please my parents and finally accepting my role in the family. I always felt that my Dad loved my sister more and that my Mom loved my brother more. I was the black sheep, doing all manner of things wrong since my childhood or at least I felt that I was doing things all wrong.

Looking back, I think I was doing anything I could to get the attention from my parents that my sister and brother got.

Then at the not so tender age of 16, I got pregnant and married. When I told my parents, I don't know who was more disapointed...my parents or me. I felt scared and alone. I even thought about getting in my car and running away...going anywhere but here.

Well that's about all I can stand remembering at this time. Thanks for visiting. Watch for Chapter 2...coming soon.

Hello everyone. I have been experiencing a deep depression since 1999.I an one of the small number of people that is medication resistant. I have tried about everything on the market and my psychiatrist is still trying to find a combination that works. I also suffer from migraines and severe spinal arthritis which makes every day a crap shoot.Time after Time I have felt optimistic and then crashed later. I had been going along fairly well in the year 2004. Then everything changed yet again....

my husband decided he couldn't live with the weather (from Arizona to Illinois) and he didn't want to be far from his regular doctors. He has had heart problems and still does. His son is DO and as such my husband gets preferential treatments from all of his Md's(also had a clash of personalities with my mother). I had to move out of a house I truly loved and for a while I lived with my Sister and her Husband. Then they bought a house and fixed it up for me to live in. They also pay my utilities, etc. I feel badly about this since I know my sister had wanted to retire from the job she has been working at (RN) and do something different and now she has to work to pay MY bills.

In 2005 my brother was diagnosed with leukemia. He did the chemo and also the bone marrow transplant. He died 7 months after he was first diagnosed. My family, of course, were devastated.
Still are. I don't know why it hit me extra hard, maybe because of my fight with depression. Any way that started a time of crisis in my life. You see, I had felt so overwhelmed with sadness, I have wanted to die. I am still wishing the supreme being had taken me...everyday I feel the same way. I have no intention of committing suicide...I still just wish that I would die.
I have gained a great deal of weight since my brothers death. I have always been overweight but had struggled and lost 80#, now I have gained that back plus more. I told my therapist that I am passively committing suicide since then.

Some days the feelings of sadness and anxiety just build and build until I feel I am going to explode. The way I treat this problem is SI(self injury). I cut my upper arms. It seems as if, through the blood flow, I feel the pressure on me dissipate. I don't do it as much as I used to, however, sometimes I have to do it.

Well, that's pretty much what my life has been and am still going through. I will stop writing for now. Hoping to update every week. Thanks

My family is great about understanding but some of what I feel they wouldn't understand.