Musings in general

Well, it's that time again...bedtime but I'm not sleepy and naturally tomorrow I need to be up and going early.

I can see why "they" say depression is bad at this time of year. There is so much I want to get as gifts for my family and cannot afford to get them. I know they don't care, it's just me. My depression is not getting any better this month. See the MD tomorrow, maybe some miracle will happen (hahaha) :(

Can't really think of anything new this week. Just SOS different day! Maybe next posting will be better.

Our closing thoughts for the day are from American Writer and Novelist..William Styron:

mysteriously and in ways that are
totally remote from natural experiences,
the gray drizzle of horror induced by
depression takes on the quality of
physical pain

Peace...stay safe

Medicated Dreams

Well friends, just ignore all the previous posting. I'll blame it on being medicated for the flu! Life Sucks!

Dreams

"I had something to dream last night"....(The Electric Prunes, circa 196?..no really that was the name of the song and the group!)

Last night I had a dream...one of those that seem to go on and on and when you wake you awake in tears because it was such a happy dream. I'm sure you've all had them.

I have always had a "love" for "big" guys. Men who can be gentle,strong and yet when needs be can "handle" the situation. Amazingly, at least to me as I thought about it, most are usually cowboys! John Wayne (only as a cowboy figure and in his earlier days) is one Also Tom Selleck (as a cowboy). Another is one that I don't know how many of you (under 40-45) remember the show Bonanza, was Dan Blocker who played Hoss. Exactly the kind of man described above. Even though I was a "pre-teen" I was in "love" with him. I remember when he died and then they had to let him die on the show, I cried and cried...still cry as I think about it. I felt my world had ended. All this leads up to the dream.

I dreamed that I was a beautiful woman (as if!) and was on a trip of some kind and somehow got involved with Dan Blocker (you should know that I have never had a dream about him before) on this trip. No erotic scenes...just holding,comforting and a couple of kisses. I have no idea what brought on this dream as is true of most of my dreams. But it was a happy dream with the results upon waking as described above.

Maybe I am missing that comfort from my life. I am without a man in my life (as the one I have is in AZ and perfectly happy to be there) and perhaps that is what I am missing...someone to sit on the couch and hold me while we watch a movie. Someone to softly kiss me just to let me know he cares. I continue to tell my husband that I love him as if I stopped the guilt would be poured on. (It has already started because I won't go out to visit him) he chooses to believe that I am just not going because I don't love him anymore. Perhaps he is right. I probably married him out of gratitude that anyone could love me and I think gratitude is all that is left.
(I hope I'm not embarrassing anyone by these revelations.) I have always denied that I will ever be involved with another man...maybe my dreams are trying to tell me something. Something to ponder. For our quote of the night...a poem by this author.

dreams are lies...
they pretend to hold hope..
in the belief that they can
become reality
withing my live
have been many
dreams....wishes
pretence that led me to believe they were
to become true
they are all false...
dissolving like acid
turning them to vile reality
destroying well worn dreams...
no more hopes or dreams shall I
create
black cloaked reality is all
that awaits me
no hopes..no dreams...
no wishes...
only the bleak future
leading to deeper depression
with no end in sight

Peace...Stay Safe

Post Turkey Blues

Hello all my friends...if there are any out there? Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone. Next up Christmas...coming fast! Good and bad days of thanksgiving. Missed celebrating with my son and family cause I thought I was coming down with the flu and didn't want to spread it around. Had a good day celebrating with others of my family. Remembering old times and telling stories on one another.

I am going through some dark days though. I have not been able to get in touch with my best friend and that has me worried. Hope all is OK with her and her family.

Missed seeing my granddaughters..don't see them very often and they forget who i am!

Well, that's all the "good news" (haha) for now. Quote for the Day..or Week.....
By American Writer and Novelist....William Styron...

mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from natural experiences, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain.

How true. Peace...Stay Safe

The dark fog of depression

"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would be not one cheerful face on earth. Whether I shall ever be better,I cannot tell. I awfully forebode shall not. To remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better it appears to me" Abraham Lincoln

Bitten By The Past

This week while I was working at the library I found the graduation class of 1967's pictures on the library wall. Looking at them brought back a lot of feelings. When I saw Bob's picture my heart jumped because at that time I was thinking,"this is the boy I married". Not the one that told me he didn't love me. Not the one who I divorced. This is the boy that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I saw the face of a boy who gave up his late teen years to start a family and who missed out on much that he maybe shouldn't have missed. I still think he was the best looking guy and now I am starting to cry. Crying for our lost childhoods, our divorce, and so much more.I think that's all I'm going to write tonight. ...Peace....Stay Safe

Surviving the Past

Well it seems like forever since I have written anything here and what do you know it has been forever!
The first thing is ...congrats to my daughter who competed in the World Championship Ironman competition in Kona, HI. She did great and we are all proud of her. She can do everything!
I have been looking back on my past. I tend to do that a lot even though I know I shouldn't .Doing this I can see a thousand things I wish I had done differently. Regardless they are done and gone. Now I can only try to survive each day and try to do better for myself. Not to please others. It's hard to speak up for myself anyway and I suppose I will be that way all the rest of my life. I'm a person who doesn't want to rock the boat. I'd rather shut up and let things go by without expressing my feelings; then take a chance I will alienate anyone or hurt their feelings. I have to especially be careful of my mother. Don't get me wrong, she is the greatest mom a girl could have but; times when I have tried to stand up I felt her reception of my position was icy. She can cut without even realizing she has done it. I feel that I can't really express my feelings since she and my sister are basically supporting me. I can never repay them for that. It's pretty sad...a 58 year old woman being supported by her parents and sister.
My emotions are still all over the place. Even though I'm on enough medicines to put a horse into a coma, I still cry at the drop of a hat.
Well, no quote this entry so....peace..be safe....moonmaiden........Oh yeah, Happy Halloween!