Hello everyone. I have been experiencing a deep depression since 1999.I an one of the small number of people that is medication resistant. I have tried about everything on the market and my psychiatrist is still trying to find a combination that works. I also suffer from migraines and severe spinal arthritis which makes every day a crap shoot.Time after Time I have felt optimistic and then crashed later. I had been going along fairly well in the year 2004. Then everything changed yet again....

my husband decided he couldn't live with the weather (from Arizona to Illinois) and he didn't want to be far from his regular doctors. He has had heart problems and still does. His son is DO and as such my husband gets preferential treatments from all of his Md's(also had a clash of personalities with my mother). I had to move out of a house I truly loved and for a while I lived with my Sister and her Husband. Then they bought a house and fixed it up for me to live in. They also pay my utilities, etc. I feel badly about this since I know my sister had wanted to retire from the job she has been working at (RN) and do something different and now she has to work to pay MY bills.

In 2005 my brother was diagnosed with leukemia. He did the chemo and also the bone marrow transplant. He died 7 months after he was first diagnosed. My family, of course, were devastated.
Still are. I don't know why it hit me extra hard, maybe because of my fight with depression. Any way that started a time of crisis in my life. You see, I had felt so overwhelmed with sadness, I have wanted to die. I am still wishing the supreme being had taken me...everyday I feel the same way. I have no intention of committing suicide...I still just wish that I would die.
I have gained a great deal of weight since my brothers death. I have always been overweight but had struggled and lost 80#, now I have gained that back plus more. I told my therapist that I am passively committing suicide since then.

Some days the feelings of sadness and anxiety just build and build until I feel I am going to explode. The way I treat this problem is SI(self injury). I cut my upper arms. It seems as if, through the blood flow, I feel the pressure on me dissipate. I don't do it as much as I used to, however, sometimes I have to do it.

Well, that's pretty much what my life has been and am still going through. I will stop writing for now. Hoping to update every week. Thanks

My family is great about understanding but some of what I feel they wouldn't understand.