Hello out there friends and neighbors! I consider you as friends and neighbors if you haved managed to read this blog without falling asleep or to have read it and at one time or another felt the feelings I describe. I certainly hope you are not feeling as bad as I am/was.
It has been a tough road since the last time I have written "the story of my life". I have had some days when it was the peak of the day if I just got out of bed and dressed. I am trying to assign myself a task everyday and to fulfill the task. Let's just say that this is an area I am going to have to work on.
Feeling "down" is a judgement call, I believe. Some people can push past the feelings of sadness, fatigue,pain and the urge to say farewell to this life. Everyday I feel everyone of those feelings and battle to get past them. Sometimes I manage to , not to overcome but; just to "BE".
There is a saying I heard recently (i don't remember most of it) however; there are three questions you are asked before you get past the pearly gates. I don't remember the first 2 but the 3rd question is......have you experienced "JOY" in your life? It's been so long that I have felt anything of my life to feel joyous about. I'm not talking about how my family make me feel joyous...Parents, Sister, Children and Grandchildren.....nor my extended family, all of whom I love dearly. Just how happy I am not and how I really don't know what my future will be.
I am married to a man who chose to live several states away from me....he is monetarily lots better off than I am and who at first stated he would be sending me some money every month and has not been doing that. I think he resents how close my family ties are. He and his children and his sisters don't have that kind of a relationship. He feels that life has been unlucky and feels that everyone in his life is ignoring him. He told me that he has money in the bank but "what if something should happen to me? What would I do if I didn't that cash cushion".
I'd like to have a cash cushion!!!!! I try to never ask him for some money because first of all I have to go through all the same old s**t about his money situation. Secondly, I feel like I am "begging" him to help me. It makes me feel almost ashamed to be asking. I went through a time when I first moved here that I was short of money and just used my credit cards to pick of the slack. That was when Joe was still sending me some cash. I haven't used any of my cards in more than a year and I'm still having money problems. I have realized that I can manage my money and pay my bills if I just watch how I spend it. Sometimes I have $5 or less in my account at the end of the month though. It's tough sometimes and makes me feel that I still am a failure.
I realize that I haven't picked up the "story of my life" tag but; sometimes you just have to go with the flow about how you are feeling at the time. Maybe next time I'll get back to that failure. In the meantime a quote by the famous author Keats:
I am in that temper....that if I were underwater.....I would scarcely kick to come to the top.
Peace to all of you. Love from Moonmaiden.
P.S. If in fact you are wondering how I was comparing my life with an eclipse....I am in the dark without the light again.
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