Eclipsed again

Hello out there friends and neighbors! I consider you as friends and neighbors if you haved managed to read this blog without falling asleep or to have read it and at one time or another felt the feelings I describe. I certainly hope you are not feeling as bad as I am/was.

It has been a tough road since the last time I have written "the story of my life". I have had some days when it was the peak of the day if I just got out of bed and dressed. I am trying to assign myself a task everyday and to fulfill the task. Let's just say that this is an area I am going to have to work on.

Feeling "down" is a judgement call, I believe. Some people can push past the feelings of sadness, fatigue,pain and the urge to say farewell to this life. Everyday I feel everyone of those feelings and battle to get past them. Sometimes I manage to , not to overcome but; just to "BE".

There is a saying I heard recently (i don't remember most of it) however; there are three questions you are asked before you get past the pearly gates. I don't remember the first 2 but the 3rd question is......have you experienced "JOY" in your life? It's been so long that I have felt anything of my life to feel joyous about. I'm not talking about how my family make me feel joyous...Parents, Sister, Children and Grandchildren.....nor my extended family, all of whom I love dearly. Just how happy I am not and how I really don't know what my future will be.

I am married to a man who chose to live several states away from me....he is monetarily lots better off than I am and who at first stated he would be sending me some money every month and has not been doing that. I think he resents how close my family ties are. He and his children and his sisters don't have that kind of a relationship. He feels that life has been unlucky and feels that everyone in his life is ignoring him. He told me that he has money in the bank but "what if something should happen to me? What would I do if I didn't that cash cushion".

I'd like to have a cash cushion!!!!! I try to never ask him for some money because first of all I have to go through all the same old s**t about his money situation. Secondly, I feel like I am "begging" him to help me. It makes me feel almost ashamed to be asking. I went through a time when I first moved here that I was short of money and just used my credit cards to pick of the slack. That was when Joe was still sending me some cash. I haven't used any of my cards in more than a year and I'm still having money problems. I have realized that I can manage my money and pay my bills if I just watch how I spend it. Sometimes I have $5 or less in my account at the end of the month though. It's tough sometimes and makes me feel that I still am a failure.

I realize that I haven't picked up the "story of my life" tag but; sometimes you just have to go with the flow about how you are feeling at the time. Maybe next time I'll get back to that failure. In the meantime a quote by the famous author Keats:

I am in that temper....that if I were underwater.....I would scarcely kick to come to the top.

Peace to all of you. Love from Moonmaiden.

P.S. If in fact you are wondering how I was comparing my life with an eclipse....I am in the dark without the light again.

Back to those thrilling days of yesteryear...After all these yearsI have just realized that even all he put me and my family through, my ex-husband was the love of my life. My present husband (Joe) is always telling me....You will never find a man who loves me more than he does. He also says that I don't love him as much as he loves me. I guess that's true. That's why I have had enough of men.

We had lived in AZ about 3 years when I met Joe. I was going to nursing school to become an RN. When I met Joe my life turned another corner (maybe not for the best). Three months after I met him, I moved in with him. This is another time that I failed my children. I took them out of their known element (as if the move from IL to AZ wasn't enough!) and placed them into an unknown situation. It was the worst for Rob. He just couldn't adjust at all. Joe gave me an ulimatum....either he goes or you'll have to leave.

This after I had given up my apartment and sold all my furniture! I was so torn...Yet again my life was ruled by a man. Again I was sure if I didn't stay no one else would want me. So Rob went to live back in IL with his father. It was not a good situation I put him through. I know it was hard on Rob. I felt so much guilt. I was afraid Rob would hate me forever. I know Kris was really upset and mad at me for doing that; but, she didn't say anything or show it in any way. My Mother was so upset that any phone calls between us were short and seldom. I still regret doing that to Rob and Kris to this day. I should have stood up for all of us. After all this Joe convinced me to drop out of nursing school.....I was too sensitive and didn't need all that stress..

I realize now that it was the same old thing of letting someone else command how I lived my life! Enough self-realization for this entry.

Depression quote for the week: In a real dark night of the soul.....it is always 3 o'clock in the morning....day after day..........F. Scott Fitzgerald

Stay tuned for the exciting? episode. Peace

Ramblings and Meanderings Through The Past

Welcome Back Constant Reader (if you are there!) Welcome to the past...
when I stole cigarettes out of my Mom's purse and went out behind the barn smoking away......skipping school to be with my boyfriend..my first love, Bob.
Yes I know, if you have been keeping along with the story of my life....for a long time, I thought I hated him. They (whoever 'they' are) say you never forget your first love. Since starting this blog, I have come to some truths about my life.
I could never really 'Hate' Bob. I hate some things he did to our family but;
he gave me two of the greatest kids I could've asked for. There has been scientific studies about the importance of 'phermones' in peoples lives. I don't know if you will understand this but: I can still recall how Bob SMELLED.I know that sounds weird and maybe creepy but whatever it was it was one thing I kept of his. I have been pretty down the last month. Don't know what is bothering me...maybe because my late brother's birthday is coming up. I still miss him everyday. That's all I can say at this time...tune in for the next exciting episode!

As I read through my entry of last week, I realize that I must clear up any misunderstandings regarding my parents and family. What I write is MY reality of a situation not anyone elses.

My family has been nothing short of encouraging during all my problems.

During my first marriage (to Bob) my family and especially my parents were my rock of salvation. As far as I was concerned we had a fairly happy life. Bob had a good job, I was raising our children and trying to get a horse breeding/showing business started. He seemed as if he was as interested in the horse business as I was. As our marriage dragged along,however; he seemed to change little by little.

The s**t hit the fan Christmas time 1976. We had hosted a party for our close neighbors and I thought it went quite well and was feeling happy. The next morining (about 2 weeks before Christmas) I sat down with him, just to talk with him...you know? The next thing he's telling me that he doesn't love me anymore. I couldn't believe it...how could I miss or were there any signs!

The kids were at my parents house and as I drove over there (at a high rate of speed) I thought how easy it would be to just let go of the wheel. This was the first time I thought of suicide.

My kids saved me that day. The idea of having no mother for them changed my mind.

Bob started coming home later and later. Sometimes he didn't come home at all. I learned that he was going to strip clubs with his friends from work. I guess at this point I should tell you,

constant reader (thanks Stephen King for that title) I was doing everything to hang on to my marriage...and I do mean EVERYTHING! Bob started running around with other women...

girls really, just a couple years out of high school. In our small town gossip travels fast. He stopped putting money into our checking account...I couldn't pay the bills. When we needed fuel for our furnace I would have to hide when the man came to the door for payment. Bob bought himself a new car and I was left with our old truck that ran...or not. Eventually the truck stopped running. At that point my parents had to bail me out yet again and get me a car. They also paid my bills.

I ended up filing for a divorce. Bob wouldn't leave the house. One Sunday, while he was playing basketball with some guys, I took all his clothes and other belongings and put them into the back seat of his car. He Still came to the house. It was not until my lawyer filed papers and Bob was served them by the Sheriff did he finally leave. I still remember hiding up in the upstairs bedroom with the kids, as he was served. I learned later that he lived out of his car for a while.

I tried to make the divorce as civil as possible. I explained to the kids what was going on.

I gave Bob pots and pans and other stuff for his apartment. But I was the one that had to tell HIS parents about the divorce since he didn't do it. Talk about a chicken s***t guy.

Well, better close for now. Let my fingers take a rest. Peace to all my readers. Moonmaiden

The Story of a Life Chapter 1

I have always felt that I must live my life to others expectations. When I was a child I was expected to...go to school and get good grades...do my chores...and especially control my temper.

I always behaved the way my playmates expected me to. I wanted to be accepted by the smarter,best girls in my class. However; because I was fat, I always got picked last at recess. My classmates teased me about my weight...fatty,fatty,2by4,couldn't get through the schoolroom door. This continued throughout grade school. I was attempting to be someone I was not. My mother was trying to help me lose weight as best as she could. I started with diet pills

(greenies). Then I had to drink a diet drink at suppertime (metracal....tasted like chalk and worse. The bad thing was not really having to drink this junk...it was that I had to drink it in another room while my family ate dinner in the kitchen.

In high school it seemed easier to be accepted by friends. Doing whatever they did...it often did not work out though. I tried out for cheer leading...made a fool of myself...everyone laughed at me. I hurt inside but was putting on a face that said I didn't care. I played at being the "wild child" wearing mini skirts and go-go boots before anyone else did.

Pretending I didn't care if I had a boyfriend...asking boys who were friends of mine to dances because no one else asked me. Then when I did get a boyfriend, pushing myself to do anything and everything to keep that relationship going. Death fully afraid I'd end up alone again. I think it was at this time I gave up trying to please my parents and finally accepting my role in the family. I always felt that my Dad loved my sister more and that my Mom loved my brother more. I was the black sheep, doing all manner of things wrong since my childhood or at least I felt that I was doing things all wrong.

Looking back, I think I was doing anything I could to get the attention from my parents that my sister and brother got.

Then at the not so tender age of 16, I got pregnant and married. When I told my parents, I don't know who was more disapointed...my parents or me. I felt scared and alone. I even thought about getting in my car and running away...going anywhere but here.

Well that's about all I can stand remembering at this time. Thanks for visiting. Watch for Chapter 2...coming soon.

Hello everyone. I have been experiencing a deep depression since 1999.I an one of the small number of people that is medication resistant. I have tried about everything on the market and my psychiatrist is still trying to find a combination that works. I also suffer from migraines and severe spinal arthritis which makes every day a crap shoot.Time after Time I have felt optimistic and then crashed later. I had been going along fairly well in the year 2004. Then everything changed yet again....

my husband decided he couldn't live with the weather (from Arizona to Illinois) and he didn't want to be far from his regular doctors. He has had heart problems and still does. His son is DO and as such my husband gets preferential treatments from all of his Md's(also had a clash of personalities with my mother). I had to move out of a house I truly loved and for a while I lived with my Sister and her Husband. Then they bought a house and fixed it up for me to live in. They also pay my utilities, etc. I feel badly about this since I know my sister had wanted to retire from the job she has been working at (RN) and do something different and now she has to work to pay MY bills.

In 2005 my brother was diagnosed with leukemia. He did the chemo and also the bone marrow transplant. He died 7 months after he was first diagnosed. My family, of course, were devastated.
Still are. I don't know why it hit me extra hard, maybe because of my fight with depression. Any way that started a time of crisis in my life. You see, I had felt so overwhelmed with sadness, I have wanted to die. I am still wishing the supreme being had taken me...everyday I feel the same way. I have no intention of committing suicide...I still just wish that I would die.
I have gained a great deal of weight since my brothers death. I have always been overweight but had struggled and lost 80#, now I have gained that back plus more. I told my therapist that I am passively committing suicide since then.

Some days the feelings of sadness and anxiety just build and build until I feel I am going to explode. The way I treat this problem is SI(self injury). I cut my upper arms. It seems as if, through the blood flow, I feel the pressure on me dissipate. I don't do it as much as I used to, however, sometimes I have to do it.

Well, that's pretty much what my life has been and am still going through. I will stop writing for now. Hoping to update every week. Thanks

My family is great about understanding but some of what I feel they wouldn't understand.