Eclipsed again

Hello out there friends and neighbors! I consider you as friends and neighbors if you haved managed to read this blog without falling asleep or to have read it and at one time or another felt the feelings I describe. I certainly hope you are not feeling as bad as I am/was.

It has been a tough road since the last time I have written "the story of my life". I have had some days when it was the peak of the day if I just got out of bed and dressed. I am trying to assign myself a task everyday and to fulfill the task. Let's just say that this is an area I am going to have to work on.

Feeling "down" is a judgement call, I believe. Some people can push past the feelings of sadness, fatigue,pain and the urge to say farewell to this life. Everyday I feel everyone of those feelings and battle to get past them. Sometimes I manage to , not to overcome but; just to "BE".

There is a saying I heard recently (i don't remember most of it) however; there are three questions you are asked before you get past the pearly gates. I don't remember the first 2 but the 3rd question is......have you experienced "JOY" in your life? It's been so long that I have felt anything of my life to feel joyous about. I'm not talking about how my family make me feel joyous...Parents, Sister, Children and Grandchildren.....nor my extended family, all of whom I love dearly. Just how happy I am not and how I really don't know what my future will be.

I am married to a man who chose to live several states away from me....he is monetarily lots better off than I am and who at first stated he would be sending me some money every month and has not been doing that. I think he resents how close my family ties are. He and his children and his sisters don't have that kind of a relationship. He feels that life has been unlucky and feels that everyone in his life is ignoring him. He told me that he has money in the bank but "what if something should happen to me? What would I do if I didn't that cash cushion".

I'd like to have a cash cushion!!!!! I try to never ask him for some money because first of all I have to go through all the same old s**t about his money situation. Secondly, I feel like I am "begging" him to help me. It makes me feel almost ashamed to be asking. I went through a time when I first moved here that I was short of money and just used my credit cards to pick of the slack. That was when Joe was still sending me some cash. I haven't used any of my cards in more than a year and I'm still having money problems. I have realized that I can manage my money and pay my bills if I just watch how I spend it. Sometimes I have $5 or less in my account at the end of the month though. It's tough sometimes and makes me feel that I still am a failure.

I realize that I haven't picked up the "story of my life" tag but; sometimes you just have to go with the flow about how you are feeling at the time. Maybe next time I'll get back to that failure. In the meantime a quote by the famous author Keats:

I am in that temper....that if I were underwater.....I would scarcely kick to come to the top.

Peace to all of you. Love from Moonmaiden.

P.S. If in fact you are wondering how I was comparing my life with an eclipse....I am in the dark without the light again.

Back to those thrilling days of yesteryear...After all these yearsI have just realized that even all he put me and my family through, my ex-husband was the love of my life. My present husband (Joe) is always telling me....You will never find a man who loves me more than he does. He also says that I don't love him as much as he loves me. I guess that's true. That's why I have had enough of men.

We had lived in AZ about 3 years when I met Joe. I was going to nursing school to become an RN. When I met Joe my life turned another corner (maybe not for the best). Three months after I met him, I moved in with him. This is another time that I failed my children. I took them out of their known element (as if the move from IL to AZ wasn't enough!) and placed them into an unknown situation. It was the worst for Rob. He just couldn't adjust at all. Joe gave me an ulimatum....either he goes or you'll have to leave.

This after I had given up my apartment and sold all my furniture! I was so torn...Yet again my life was ruled by a man. Again I was sure if I didn't stay no one else would want me. So Rob went to live back in IL with his father. It was not a good situation I put him through. I know it was hard on Rob. I felt so much guilt. I was afraid Rob would hate me forever. I know Kris was really upset and mad at me for doing that; but, she didn't say anything or show it in any way. My Mother was so upset that any phone calls between us were short and seldom. I still regret doing that to Rob and Kris to this day. I should have stood up for all of us. After all this Joe convinced me to drop out of nursing school.....I was too sensitive and didn't need all that stress..

I realize now that it was the same old thing of letting someone else command how I lived my life! Enough self-realization for this entry.

Depression quote for the week: In a real dark night of the soul.....it is always 3 o'clock in the morning....day after day..........F. Scott Fitzgerald

Stay tuned for the exciting? episode. Peace

Ramblings and Meanderings Through The Past

Welcome Back Constant Reader (if you are there!) Welcome to the past...
when I stole cigarettes out of my Mom's purse and went out behind the barn smoking away......skipping school to be with my boyfriend..my first love, Bob.
Yes I know, if you have been keeping along with the story of my life....for a long time, I thought I hated him. They (whoever 'they' are) say you never forget your first love. Since starting this blog, I have come to some truths about my life.
I could never really 'Hate' Bob. I hate some things he did to our family but;
he gave me two of the greatest kids I could've asked for. There has been scientific studies about the importance of 'phermones' in peoples lives. I don't know if you will understand this but: I can still recall how Bob SMELLED.I know that sounds weird and maybe creepy but whatever it was it was one thing I kept of his. I have been pretty down the last month. Don't know what is bothering me...maybe because my late brother's birthday is coming up. I still miss him everyday. That's all I can say at this time...tune in for the next exciting episode!