Well, I just bitched to my son asking him to update his blog and I realized that my update was well overdo. Nothing major has been occuring. I have been thinking...since Bob's death, I have been rewriting history. If he still was alive, I think we would be in the same old place. I guess romance is not finished with me if I can feel that way about my first love. Let's see if there are anymore revelations recently....I am still tied to Joe with his daily phone calls. We only speak for a minute or two and the conversation is usually about his health. Sometimes I ask/beg for some money. I am thankful to God(ess) for my family. Even though I feel I am a burden on them. It's kind of s****y to have to ask for money for Dentists....extra doctor bills...car repairs...vet bills...etc.Well you get the drift.Haven't really done much this month. My granddaughters came up to the town's celebration. They gathered in mucho candy and the older one expressed a desire to come again next year.I have been so tired lately. I'm getting B12 shots to gain more energy (supposed to anyway). But I have seen no bump of energy yet. I guess I can always hope though. I am still frustrated by my memory loss. It doesn't help to get that way though since there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Well, lets see who gets credit for the quote of the night.....American Writer and Novelist....William Styron....

Mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from natural experiences, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain.

Peace...Moonmaiden

Remember when

I'll try again to get something on the blog site. I am done with romance. I tried it 2 times and neither of them have turned out "wonderfully". Bob was the first and I had hoped the last but he had different thoughts about it. I am still trying with Joe but the harder he pulls me apart, the harder I pull away. I can't even read romance novels anymore. I get sick to my stomach watching romance movies. I'm sorry if I offend anyone by these statements...remember that this applies to my own life. If your romance is working out...
God bless you!

I am having a lot more problems with my memory. I can read half of a book and go back the next day and not remember what I read! It's not too wonderful when you are talking with someone about something that I had told them about last week.

Well, another week threatens. Hope yours is lots better than mine.

Peace to all. Moonmaiden51

Just Great!!!!!Just as I was getting ready to publish my blog...my autosave failed!!!!!!!!!Well for this week it's just these few words....aren't computers wonderful!!!!

Peace to All. Moonmaiden

The saga continues....

I didn't realize it had been so long since I have posted! Likely it would not have made any difference. Things in my life are static and I have come to the conclusion that this is how they will stay. I cannot change what my family is (are?) thinking and so I cannot change the way I am and how I relate to them. My life is a spiral....coiling around itself and never ending.

I have decided that I am not going to bore you with the "rest of the story" of a life. I am just going to give you the information that is current. I'm tired of forcing myself to look back over a life filled with failures. I feel them today just as much as the past so out with the old story and in with the new.

Quote for today: by Charles Baudelaire

How little remains of the man (woman) I once was, save the memory of him!

But remembering is only a new form of suffering.

Peace...Moonmaiden51

The unseen thoughts under the masque

Well people I'm back. Not for long though. Last couple of weeks have been really hard for some unknown reason. Probably me meds are losing strength as they have been before. I see my psychiatrist this week so hopefully (i don't have much!) the meds will get rearranged or whatever. They always want to know how many times I have cut since I was last there (2) and what caused them. I only know that at the end of the day, i am filled with frustration and anger at myself that if i don't cut, i may as well go for a long ride on a slow ice flow.

To explain the above: when the Eskimo's get ready to die, they go to the sea and sit on an ice berg or ice flow and just float away.

Then they ask if i still of suicide...yes, i think about it but would not perform this act. I have plenty of pills that could take me to other side. But i am undecided whether there really is anything on the otherside. I told my family that i want a Viking Funeral. It would be really cool but pretty much impossible with all the epa laws today (as if!).

I'll try next posting (hopefully not taking as long time wise) to continue the story of my life.

In the meantime....here is a thought on depression by Alice Meynell(?)

Recurrence is sure

What the mind suffered

last week

or last year...

it does not suffer now:

but it will suffer again

next week or next year

Happiness not

a matter of weeks;

it depends upon

the tides of the mind

Peace....Moonmaiden

Has anyone else had a day like today?!!! Over the past 4 years of my brothers death, i have gained mucho pounds(i don't even look at a scale anymore.). For the 4 years before that,I had finally lost the weight I had been carrying around for the previous 30 years. I maintained that weight loss by walking 1-2 miles a day and eating only a bowl of cereal a day. I was pretty proud of myself at that time. Now I don't even want to go out of the house because of how I

look. I am giving all the great jogging suits to my sister and I'll hate to see them go but you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Right now I feel like really rotten.

Peace.

Eclipsed again

Hello out there friends and neighbors! I consider you as friends and neighbors if you haved managed to read this blog without falling asleep or to have read it and at one time or another felt the feelings I describe. I certainly hope you are not feeling as bad as I am/was.

It has been a tough road since the last time I have written "the story of my life". I have had some days when it was the peak of the day if I just got out of bed and dressed. I am trying to assign myself a task everyday and to fulfill the task. Let's just say that this is an area I am going to have to work on.

Feeling "down" is a judgement call, I believe. Some people can push past the feelings of sadness, fatigue,pain and the urge to say farewell to this life. Everyday I feel everyone of those feelings and battle to get past them. Sometimes I manage to , not to overcome but; just to "BE".

There is a saying I heard recently (i don't remember most of it) however; there are three questions you are asked before you get past the pearly gates. I don't remember the first 2 but the 3rd question is......have you experienced "JOY" in your life? It's been so long that I have felt anything of my life to feel joyous about. I'm not talking about how my family make me feel joyous...Parents, Sister, Children and Grandchildren.....nor my extended family, all of whom I love dearly. Just how happy I am not and how I really don't know what my future will be.

I am married to a man who chose to live several states away from me....he is monetarily lots better off than I am and who at first stated he would be sending me some money every month and has not been doing that. I think he resents how close my family ties are. He and his children and his sisters don't have that kind of a relationship. He feels that life has been unlucky and feels that everyone in his life is ignoring him. He told me that he has money in the bank but "what if something should happen to me? What would I do if I didn't that cash cushion".

I'd like to have a cash cushion!!!!! I try to never ask him for some money because first of all I have to go through all the same old s**t about his money situation. Secondly, I feel like I am "begging" him to help me. It makes me feel almost ashamed to be asking. I went through a time when I first moved here that I was short of money and just used my credit cards to pick of the slack. That was when Joe was still sending me some cash. I haven't used any of my cards in more than a year and I'm still having money problems. I have realized that I can manage my money and pay my bills if I just watch how I spend it. Sometimes I have $5 or less in my account at the end of the month though. It's tough sometimes and makes me feel that I still am a failure.

I realize that I haven't picked up the "story of my life" tag but; sometimes you just have to go with the flow about how you are feeling at the time. Maybe next time I'll get back to that failure. In the meantime a quote by the famous author Keats:

I am in that temper....that if I were underwater.....I would scarcely kick to come to the top.

Peace to all of you. Love from Moonmaiden.

P.S. If in fact you are wondering how I was comparing my life with an eclipse....I am in the dark without the light again.