The dark fog of depression

"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would be not one cheerful face on earth. Whether I shall ever be better,I cannot tell. I awfully forebode shall not. To remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better it appears to me" Abraham Lincoln

Bitten By The Past

This week while I was working at the library I found the graduation class of 1967's pictures on the library wall. Looking at them brought back a lot of feelings. When I saw Bob's picture my heart jumped because at that time I was thinking,"this is the boy I married". Not the one that told me he didn't love me. Not the one who I divorced. This is the boy that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I saw the face of a boy who gave up his late teen years to start a family and who missed out on much that he maybe shouldn't have missed. I still think he was the best looking guy and now I am starting to cry. Crying for our lost childhoods, our divorce, and so much more.I think that's all I'm going to write tonight. ...Peace....Stay Safe

Surviving the Past

Well it seems like forever since I have written anything here and what do you know it has been forever!
The first thing is ...congrats to my daughter who competed in the World Championship Ironman competition in Kona, HI. She did great and we are all proud of her. She can do everything!
I have been looking back on my past. I tend to do that a lot even though I know I shouldn't .Doing this I can see a thousand things I wish I had done differently. Regardless they are done and gone. Now I can only try to survive each day and try to do better for myself. Not to please others. It's hard to speak up for myself anyway and I suppose I will be that way all the rest of my life. I'm a person who doesn't want to rock the boat. I'd rather shut up and let things go by without expressing my feelings; then take a chance I will alienate anyone or hurt their feelings. I have to especially be careful of my mother. Don't get me wrong, she is the greatest mom a girl could have but; times when I have tried to stand up I felt her reception of my position was icy. She can cut without even realizing she has done it. I feel that I can't really express my feelings since she and my sister are basically supporting me. I can never repay them for that. It's pretty sad...a 58 year old woman being supported by her parents and sister.
My emotions are still all over the place. Even though I'm on enough medicines to put a horse into a coma, I still cry at the drop of a hat.
Well, no quote this entry so....peace..be safe....moonmaiden........Oh yeah, Happy Halloween!

Did you ever feel like it's only raining on your head? I posted (or thought I did) last night and now I see nothing is there! I am really tired of this. Mainly because it takes me some time to work up to expressing my feelings on this blog. So, since I can't remember what I wrote last night, this will be my blog for tonight.
Long quote from Elizabeth Wurtzel on depression:

I start to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don't know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy and the need to put on a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on. I don't know the answer. I know only that I can't, I don't want to anymore vicissitudes. I don't want any more of try,try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.

I am a little (?) older the author but I understand her pain and am feeling much the same most days.

Until next time...Peace...Stay safe

Frightening Futures

What a crazy world we live in. So many tv pundits screaming "the sky is falling! The sky is falling" Well chicken little, what the h e double hockeysticks are we suppose to do about it? We elect people who promise to make a difference and end up with the same old s**t! Stealing from Peter to pay Paul. Yes we should have a better health care system but the government should not handle it. Everyone of them is out for their own selves. And how about they get the same level of care that each and everyone of us is getting!! And why when they retire we have to PAY them golden parachutes for their service? This country is reaching some scary conclusions about several items.
Enough of my venting. I'll promise to write more sooner than later from now on.

No quotes for this episode. Peace to you all

Well, I just bitched to my son asking him to update his blog and I realized that my update was well overdo. Nothing major has been occuring. I have been thinking...since Bob's death, I have been rewriting history. If he still was alive, I think we would be in the same old place. I guess romance is not finished with me if I can feel that way about my first love. Let's see if there are anymore revelations recently....I am still tied to Joe with his daily phone calls. We only speak for a minute or two and the conversation is usually about his health. Sometimes I ask/beg for some money. I am thankful to God(ess) for my family. Even though I feel I am a burden on them. It's kind of s****y to have to ask for money for Dentists....extra doctor bills...car repairs...vet bills...etc.Well you get the drift.Haven't really done much this month. My granddaughters came up to the town's celebration. They gathered in mucho candy and the older one expressed a desire to come again next year.I have been so tired lately. I'm getting B12 shots to gain more energy (supposed to anyway). But I have seen no bump of energy yet. I guess I can always hope though. I am still frustrated by my memory loss. It doesn't help to get that way though since there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Well, lets see who gets credit for the quote of the night.....American Writer and Novelist....William Styron....

Mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from natural experiences, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain.

Peace...Moonmaiden

Remember when

I'll try again to get something on the blog site. I am done with romance. I tried it 2 times and neither of them have turned out "wonderfully". Bob was the first and I had hoped the last but he had different thoughts about it. I am still trying with Joe but the harder he pulls me apart, the harder I pull away. I can't even read romance novels anymore. I get sick to my stomach watching romance movies. I'm sorry if I offend anyone by these statements...remember that this applies to my own life. If your romance is working out...
God bless you!

I am having a lot more problems with my memory. I can read half of a book and go back the next day and not remember what I read! It's not too wonderful when you are talking with someone about something that I had told them about last week.

Well, another week threatens. Hope yours is lots better than mine.

Peace to all. Moonmaiden51