The Story of a Life Chapter 1

I have always felt that I must live my life to others expectations. When I was a child I was expected to...go to school and get good grades...do my chores...and especially control my temper.

I always behaved the way my playmates expected me to. I wanted to be accepted by the smarter,best girls in my class. However; because I was fat, I always got picked last at recess. My classmates teased me about my weight...fatty,fatty,2by4,couldn't get through the schoolroom door. This continued throughout grade school. I was attempting to be someone I was not. My mother was trying to help me lose weight as best as she could. I started with diet pills

(greenies). Then I had to drink a diet drink at suppertime (metracal....tasted like chalk and worse. The bad thing was not really having to drink this junk...it was that I had to drink it in another room while my family ate dinner in the kitchen.

In high school it seemed easier to be accepted by friends. Doing whatever they did...it often did not work out though. I tried out for cheer leading...made a fool of myself...everyone laughed at me. I hurt inside but was putting on a face that said I didn't care. I played at being the "wild child" wearing mini skirts and go-go boots before anyone else did.

Pretending I didn't care if I had a boyfriend...asking boys who were friends of mine to dances because no one else asked me. Then when I did get a boyfriend, pushing myself to do anything and everything to keep that relationship going. Death fully afraid I'd end up alone again. I think it was at this time I gave up trying to please my parents and finally accepting my role in the family. I always felt that my Dad loved my sister more and that my Mom loved my brother more. I was the black sheep, doing all manner of things wrong since my childhood or at least I felt that I was doing things all wrong.

Looking back, I think I was doing anything I could to get the attention from my parents that my sister and brother got.

Then at the not so tender age of 16, I got pregnant and married. When I told my parents, I don't know who was more disapointed...my parents or me. I felt scared and alone. I even thought about getting in my car and running away...going anywhere but here.

Well that's about all I can stand remembering at this time. Thanks for visiting. Watch for Chapter 2...coming soon.

Hello everyone. I have been experiencing a deep depression since 1999.I an one of the small number of people that is medication resistant. I have tried about everything on the market and my psychiatrist is still trying to find a combination that works. I also suffer from migraines and severe spinal arthritis which makes every day a crap shoot.Time after Time I have felt optimistic and then crashed later. I had been going along fairly well in the year 2004. Then everything changed yet again....

my husband decided he couldn't live with the weather (from Arizona to Illinois) and he didn't want to be far from his regular doctors. He has had heart problems and still does. His son is DO and as such my husband gets preferential treatments from all of his Md's(also had a clash of personalities with my mother). I had to move out of a house I truly loved and for a while I lived with my Sister and her Husband. Then they bought a house and fixed it up for me to live in. They also pay my utilities, etc. I feel badly about this since I know my sister had wanted to retire from the job she has been working at (RN) and do something different and now she has to work to pay MY bills.

In 2005 my brother was diagnosed with leukemia. He did the chemo and also the bone marrow transplant. He died 7 months after he was first diagnosed. My family, of course, were devastated.
Still are. I don't know why it hit me extra hard, maybe because of my fight with depression. Any way that started a time of crisis in my life. You see, I had felt so overwhelmed with sadness, I have wanted to die. I am still wishing the supreme being had taken me...everyday I feel the same way. I have no intention of committing suicide...I still just wish that I would die.
I have gained a great deal of weight since my brothers death. I have always been overweight but had struggled and lost 80#, now I have gained that back plus more. I told my therapist that I am passively committing suicide since then.

Some days the feelings of sadness and anxiety just build and build until I feel I am going to explode. The way I treat this problem is SI(self injury). I cut my upper arms. It seems as if, through the blood flow, I feel the pressure on me dissipate. I don't do it as much as I used to, however, sometimes I have to do it.

Well, that's pretty much what my life has been and am still going through. I will stop writing for now. Hoping to update every week. Thanks

My family is great about understanding but some of what I feel they wouldn't understand.